[to be or not to be...]

So I am pretty sure I am just in denial at this point either i'm pregnant or have diabetes! with the way I am so ungodly swollen it has to be one or the other unless I really am just to chunky that it will start to come down.. either way i'm not going to the doctor so don't tell me to because i'm not gonna listen! If I'm pregnant I'm having a baby and if I'm diabetic its from being fat so either way i'll be losing some weight and play it by ear! I need to be in denial until after Jeff gets back from training because i just don't have time to deal with it because both are life changing things and i know that! But at this point sorry I'm just busy busy busy!!!! but i wanted to put it out there somewhere in the universe so when i think about it i can look back and say okay on september 23rd she made a comment about it! and my real comment about it is "Ugh my boob hurt today for the first time!!!! "

[birthday blues]

Jeff is leaving for my birthday AGAIN! I have had the worst birthday's ever.. lets reflect

13 year old -my mom packs up the car, sends my dad to the bar with some money and we leave everyone i've ever known and loved!

14 year old - my dad has regained custody and beats the crap out of me and i end the day filling out police forms and getting pictures taken naked for the record! AWESOME!

a few years of just random birthdays!

19 year old - this one was AWESOME! I got to go to work so that the guy i was covering for could go to his step sisters birthday party because it was more important then my own birthday! .. And Joey threw up in my rice cooker which was my only present

21 year old - Jeff is at basic training and I get to enjoy a nice 21st birthday with his family...

22 year old - Jeff is in Iraq

23 year old - In hospital with eye ulcers

24 year old - Jeff in California

25 year old - Jeff in Afghanistan



.... I f'ing hate my birthday! ... and now i'm going to go cry over how much I hate life!

this post i am going to post something that i know 99% of you don't care about.. but...

OH MY GOD STOP BEING A CRYBABY AND HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!!! I am SICK of fighting with Jeff over anything and everything and just READY for us to have sex! Like GOOD sex!!! not just this "we have it once every 2 weeks so it lasts all of 30 seconds IF THAT" type of sex" ... i'm talking full on porno status sex lol!!! Either we are fighting or Adalynn is in the way!

I woke up at 3am with Adalynn this morning and then later we fought because of the most stupid things! He is such an ass and I am D-O-N-E with us fighting.. he says I'm bi-polar because I can just turn off an argument and be okay with him.. It's because that is how I've been trained to be! Doesn't he know that since he went to Iraq when you only have a short period of time with someone you just put anger away and then focus on it and deal with it while your spouse isn't there! If i only have 30 minutes a day with you then ya i'm gonna just act happy go lucky even if i'm pissed!

[procrastination is the best!]

"I'm ridiculously hard on myself" HAHHAHAHAHAHA YOU of all people ;P ha i love it!!!

sooooo anyway I am beyond mad at my spouse because I am TRYING to figure things out like where I want things in the house and how I want to organize everything because I want more open spaces and as of right now I can't stand the computers in the living room because I don't want to see him just sit there all night long not helping.. so i want to isolate him in hopes that he realizes that he is missing out on family time! It is annoying with him on the computer and Adalynn will like run up to him telling her she has to go potty or something and he just 100% ignores her! Ughhhhhh

I'm just so agitated with that boy! I feel like right now we are just borderline roommates and I do everything and he is that nerd boy that hides in his room playing videogames.. Last night my daughter played the lovely game of "hide and seek" with my kindle and I asked for help finding it (all of 10 minutes!) and he FREAKED out and was sooooo pissy that I took away 10 minutes from his game playing time to help me find it.. like really?! suck it up!!!!

anyhoot I better get off here and go vlog about how I worked out on my exercise bike tonight and how that went ;)

[colorful shirt]

See my workout shirt? Ridiculous!!!

[colorful]

I am in fat person hell! I am so sick and tired of being fat!!! It takes me 20 minutes to get into my workout clothes and then I am out of breath!!! Its a freaking workout JUST GETTING DRESSED!!! do you know embarrassing that is?! Plus i look like a whale and a half in my snazzy bright colorful workout shirt!!! not to mention that the second i got it on guess what? YUP! I have to freaking pee!!!! Oh well!!! I'm holding this until after physical therapy!!! Its in an hour so in about 20 minutes i'll start getting the kids in the car since its 5 minutes away but it takes me so long to get everyone out the door! I swear those kids hate me!!! When i get back i am doing my workout because lets face it if i'm wearing this damn outfit i better atleast get some workout done while my boobs are so secure they are like fort knox lockdown lol!!!

[hi, i'm fat]

Jeff: Are you okay? You sound out of breath!

Kassie: Ya just drinking some juice!


... but in my mind "I'm f*cking fat! I'm standing on hard cold tile! It f*cking hurts EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF ME to stand for longer then ohhhh I don't know 30 seconds!!!! I literally can't stand for 5 minutes without feeling in pain somewhere... why the hell would you rent a place that has no carpet whatsoever!?!?! My fat feet need a fat break but do they ever get one?! NO!

[photo opp in a bad way!!!]

Mission arm flab!!! NOT IMPOSSIBLE!!! Make it work lady!!! Stop throwing your life away by being fat!!!

[taco taco taco]

I love blogging!!! I really do!!!! I just get so wrapped up in everything else that I forget (read "I don't make time) to blog! Plus I HATE using punctuation properly and I feel like Marissa is gonna come attack me because I don't write my blogs out in perfect form! .. I just feel if I miss a capitalization on an i then its not the end of the world.. or if I don't make your name into a capital letter then whatever! We all know WHAT I mean so you should just accept it!!! But i read her blogs and they are perfect punctuation and I think my blogs are read how I talk! you get a sense of me out of my blogs!!! [so screw you m-pants!]

So the other day I had to drive to Florida to take Anthony to his house and WOW! I have never seen someone so drugged up in my life!!! He wigged out and started beating me up and kicking my car, slammed it into park as we were going 75 on the interstate.. and then sat in the backseat wimpering about "god's eye" shaking him.. for some reason we now have issues... plus add in the fact that his wife is currently in labor and then there are more issues.. i don't believe that he should be around that baby alone!

I am totally procrastinating from finishing up a paper which is stupid so i'm gonna go get on that!!! Be back later tonight probably to complain some more ;)

[touch the sky]

I feel like I need to start blogging again.. I feel like I've gotten away from it and I need to take it back because well I love it and I feel like I was truly happier getting my feelings out! Granted I also vlog and have group forums that I say a lot in so all my information is spread around to a million places and I think I like that not everyone knows every problem I have .. you know spread the crazy around so that I don't scare everyone off at once =P

Soooo I need to up up up my water intake.. I just want to throw this out here for everyone because I need to! It is just really been wearing on me this weight and thats always a goal is to drink more water and i do awesome and then slack off.. so maybe if i just say it every day i'll do it more! ... or atleast I can hope!!!!

Another thing I just need to mention which i really don't need to mention is that RIGHT NOW in my bedroom it is FREEZING!!!! my everything is shivering and i'm nude of course so its even worse!... but i'm ready for bed so i'm not putting on clothes to sit in my bed until Jeff is done playing his stupid game!!!

Another another thing! Yesterday I posted a comment on Amanda F's Facebook about how i was excited she was trying for another baby and Ashley posted beneath mine like 4 hours later that her and Calvin had been trying for a while for baby number 2 and how difficult it can be trying for a baby but how it is so worth it in the end.. i wanted to throw up and then lose weight and walk by her with my perfectly round and small pregnant belly while holding my perfect daughters hand and just being like 'oh hi! isn't it funny how my life is SOOOOO perfect and how much yours sucks? /giggle!!!" .... ya i know i'm a bitch but atleast i'm being honest!!!

I am working on losing weight.. not my favorite thing to do.. not my most successful thing to do but its something that i HAVE to do!!! I am SICK and tired of being fat!!! I want to be 200 lbs.. and i know most of you people out there are like "200 lbs is still fat" and ya it is.. but I would SOOOO rather be 200 lbs then what I am right now!!!! I could live with myself if I were 200 lbs!!! I would be happy! ... I would want more.. but if I can get to that then I think I would be a hell of a lot better!!!

One thing REGARDLESS of my weight that I need to work on is to be more fun!!! I am just miserable all the time because of my weight and because its just a gloomy time in my life and I need to work on that because I'm a fun person to be around if I want to be and I do! I want to give up my negativity and just be that bad ass that everyone use to know and love!!!! ... ACK I became that person that i hate!!! The frowner!!! Sooooo Tomorrow this ass is going to be jumping around and having fun and dancing to my own drum!!! If i have to find headphones and just listen to music all day long and have my own personal soundtrack then so be it! But i'm just NOT going to sit on the couch and be bored watching tv all day with Jeff!!!! there is so much more to life then sitting in front of the stupid stupid tv!!! And i'm willing to explore it!!!! 

Pain all day!!!

It hurts my knees and back to stand. It hurts my back and hips to sit. It is painful to do any workout!! I try to push through it but damn I am sick of being in pain ALL The time!!! I know I am fat and the more I lose the better I will feel but when does it stop feeling like daggers stabbing my entire body?????

I have been the crappiest blogger the last few months and there really is no reason why i've been slacking!!! I don't do anything all day other then clean, watch 2 babies, and cook.. lets face it all day long i'm just in mommy mode so I may as well take a moment or two and act like i have something important to say!!! I'll try to be better! I'll try to be more interesting!!! I really wish this would turn into some epic cooking blog or some epic weight loss blog but that requires me to be better then what i've been doing because what i've been doing just isnt working

[changing the world one sparkle at a time!]

Well this chick right here TOTALLY fell off the blogging world and I don't think that that is fair to my faithful 7 followers!!! I apologize!!!! [because my life is SOOOOOOOOO interesting!]

I saw a picture of my sister working out.. she has NEVER been thinner then me.. and i'm not comfortable with her looking better then me.. in fact it makes me ill just thinking about it!!!! I think I am going to do the couch to 5k in my backyard here once it starts warming up! me so excited!!!

Protein day 1

Sucks!!!

I WANT bread!!!!

[mmmm chocolate!]

I have a migraine from HELL but tomorrow starts day one of only protein so i wanted to let you all know!!! =D

Monday!

[Day 3 official "start"]

Well i don't weigh in until tomorrow because Wednesday's are Weekly Weigh-Ins!!! [Yes! I DO need the cheesy little sayings lol!!!]

Food wise i did HORRIBLE today!!! I'm suppose to only be eating protein.. and for lunch i had a turkey wrap.. so i had a tortilla and a piece of cheese as well with my turkey because i just didn't want to eat straight turkey and for dinner i decided to use my waffle iron that I got for Christmas because I hadn't used it yet! So calorie wise and all that jazz i was WELL within range.. I just didn't do my hardcore "protein only" which I need to get to and I have enough lean protein that I need to just DO it!

I also only did some of the exercise I had planned to do but i still did more moving and grooving then i normally do!!!

Can't wait to shower and start over tomorrow! (A side goal of mine is to shower every single night before bed!!! I struggle to find the time during the day that i end up showering mornings some days and nights other days and i need the consistency of 1 time a day that i can use! so nightly showers are now a must!!!!)

[2012 here i come!]

CRAP! I posted on the complete wrong blog last night.. well this has turned out to be crappy lol!!!
So resolutions

1) Do more with Adalynn
2) Exercise daily!
3) water with lemon is my main go to drink!

Yesterday and Today are just getting things going and tomorrow i will be weighing in but i've already been feeling the extra push that i've been putting on my body! Yesterday my calves were DEAD to the world!

Later today I'm going to post a picture of me because every monday is going to be my "Monday's are about ME" with a picture of me! I will be through out this weight loss NOT posting any picture of me on my facebook because I was that "OH MY GOD KASSIE! You have lost SO much weight" when i show up to the wedding! =D