Tick Tock

Tick's are vile! They are the worst things in the entire world!!! pumpkin patching it up today with my monkey and family and the little one got a tick RIGHT next to her eye... it was DISGUSTING..

Today I did AWESOME! I survived the pumpkin patch without yelling, a tick on her face, her wasting 4 of my blank cards because she rushed and didn't take her time, her refusing to go to bed, and her covering her face in makeup...

I did not yell one time!!!! There were some moments where it was touch or go... but overall I handled the shit out of today!!! =)

but look at how cute I look also LOL! 

Good day for me =) Tomorrow I am making something... I want to bake now that I cleaned my kitchen... I know... zucchini bread... that might go down tomorrow lol

Working at the carwash

I feel like I did okay today... I almost lost it for a second when I TOLD my child not to move because I spilled on her chair and she immediately put her leg in to it... THIS is what pisses me off... LISTEN TO ME!!!! But... I didn't yell... I just let it go... so i'm taking that as a win even though was it? i'm not sure!

I do know that I made dinner with Adalynn and Jeff and her went and played... So that in and of itself is a lot better than what we've been doing... So here is to "hopefully" turning some kind of corner...

Adalynn wants to make cookies sometime when Jeff is at work since she is off all the days in the world... so I think that that is a fun idea that we can do together... What I WANT to happen is to ACTUALLY do it with her... what I do NOT want to happen is her be interested for 5 minutes and then go back to wanting to play or do something else, leaving me with ALL the rest to finish up... THAT really burns me up... So I think as long as before we begin, I lay out my expectations, it should be okay... at least I hope so!

Day 1 of R&R (respond instead of react)

I am sick of my child thinking I am a monster and my husband acting like I am trash. They all think I CONSTANTLY react instead of respond to EVERYTHING... Do I do it more than I should? YES! But they act like its this huge extreme and I'm some where in the middle. I feel like no matter what I do, if I react one single time they will act like I haven't changed in the slightest bit... and I don't know how to stop that from happening so I react more and more because it gets me so mad that they would think that of me so it is just this never ending cycle. Jeff said that it isn't normal and should never happen and I said it happens, that it even happens to him and he went "ya but its rare that it happens" .... so it should never happen buttttt he is allowed to have moments? it makes no sense! and that just really really annoys the crap out of me...

But being annoyed just makes me want to go back to the cycle and I DO need to work on it... I know that every day I have less and less patience.

Goals for this week

Be more patient.. I know I will have moments but I hope I can at least overall be better

Spend time WITH Adalynn.... so many times we do together time with electronics or on my terms... I want to spend time with her doing what she wants to do JUST NOT MINECRAFT!!! I can't.. I love her but no!!!

Bring back family lego project!!! Once a week we take an hour or so and hand out in Addie's room and make lego's with her!

GOALS FOR NOVEMBER

2 at home date nights with Jeff... 1 of them catered to something I want to do, 1 of them catered to something Jeff would want to do

Family baking, at least 1 weekend this month I want to pick a recipe and hang out in the kitchen with all 3 of us making it together!!!

continue working on us as a family

17lbs up

It has been way to long since I have written in here... which means I haven't done fantastic... It is SOOOO hard to not eat all the bad crap especially when it is staring in front of me!!! Why is there so much crap in the world?! Bah!! I need to get back on track and just stick with it!!! I know I can do it if I really just put my feet forward one at a time!

Here is a recent picture from last week... We went on vacation to France for a week and I gained 3lbs and ate ALL the bad things!!! It was DELICIOUS and i'm in no way upset that I gained weight! In fact, I've already lost all 3 of those pounds... but I was also on steroids a few times and total I'm 17lbs up from my lowest weight! My immediate goal is to get those gone and asap!!! I just really need to stay on it! And I will... I'm writing in here again to keep me from making all the bad choices!!!

4.28.2016

Today the Mormons came to visit

My roommate and two of them came and talked to me while the other talked

To her... And I was me! I haven't been myself in a long long time... I feel so low all the time... I'm constantly fighting because of it... Sometimes I have moments where I am absolutely great but other times I'm miserable. I was talking but it was in my normal enthusiastic way that captivates an audience. My mom always said it was me being the center of attention but that isn't it. I guess part of it is but I remember how Jeff noticed me when we first started dating... I was this cool girl who captured the conversation and always had wity funny remarks.. I would charm... I've always done that but for awhile in my teens it went away and again now as an adult... When I get in that space I just ooze Kassie! I feel so run down and an empty shell of myself...I know that I need to allow myself to let go but for so long I've just been the super fat girl and it's worn down on me for years... It's like every pound I lose I gain back a small part of myself. I don't know if Jeff is going to change as I change. I think he holds so much resentment and bitterness that he will continue to just cut me down... I told him that we are going to have a technology free weekend and I don't know how he is going to handle it... I am sick of everytime I talk to my husband he just sits on his cell phone and nods or agrees when he thinks he should but I donr feel like he ever actually  listen to me... I tell him something and he immediately forgets... How am I supposed to to feel like a person when I'm treated like a dog. I know he loves me and cares but he doesn't get it... I'm a person who needs to have conversations with her husband. I don't want to be serious I just want to sit on the couch and be talking to Me and laughing hysterically together instead of me sitting on the couch watching tv and him playing video games on the computer... He was such an ass today and was responding so rudely to seriously every single thing I said so I finally stopped trying and a few hours later it was same old mean guy and who knows why.. He says he isn't a talkative guy but get him around a guy and he is cracking up and laughing and engaging in the conversation but I don't know he last time he really engaged like that with me... But of course none of this is his fault... It's ALL mine... Everything is always my fault even when it isn't... He can never ever admit to anything he does wrong ... Does he really think he is that much more superior to me? I thought we were equals.. If only he would treat me like one 

[on fire!!!]

My arm is KILLING me!!! I have 2 lidocaine patches on right now and I think tonight I'm going to put a few more on!!!

If that wasn't enough my stomach is sooooooooo painful!!! By my belly button incision it is like a swollen golf ball and below my belly button it's like a solid line of red from it being pulled on.... I bet if I was moving more it would be better but it hurts so badly to move sooooo I'm in a catch 22! 

I am also sooooo hot and freezing at the same time.... It is so difficult!!' I currently have the window open (at 30 degrees outside) with a blanket on half of me and literally going from sweating to shivering constantly!!!! Ahhhh I hate this

[new rings]

My wedding rings are flying off my fingers! It's so great and so crappy at all once because I need new ones but I don't want to buy inbetween rings and then getting them and then being too big before I even get them! Ahhhhhhh!!! But since the ones I wear right now are super cheap there isn't a reason to get them resized! Eventually I'll get new new wedding bands that my husband will help me pick out... But that isn't for a few more years!