My roommate and two of them came and talked to me while the other talked
To her... And I was me! I haven't been myself in a long long time... I feel so low all the time... I'm constantly fighting because of it... Sometimes I have moments where I am absolutely great but other times I'm miserable. I was talking but it was in my normal enthusiastic way that captivates an audience. My mom always said it was me being the center of attention but that isn't it. I guess part of it is but I remember how Jeff noticed me when we first started dating... I was this cool girl who captured the conversation and always had wity funny remarks.. I would charm... I've always done that but for awhile in my teens it went away and again now as an adult... When I get in that space I just ooze Kassie! I feel so run down and an empty shell of myself...I know that I need to allow myself to let go but for so long I've just been the super fat girl and it's worn down on me for years... It's like every pound I lose I gain back a small part of myself. I don't know if Jeff is going to change as I change. I think he holds so much resentment and bitterness that he will continue to just cut me down... I told him that we are going to have a technology free weekend and I don't know how he is going to handle it... I am sick of everytime I talk to my husband he just sits on his cell phone and nods or agrees when he thinks he should but I donr feel like he ever actually listen to me... I tell him something and he immediately forgets... How am I supposed to to feel like a person when I'm treated like a dog. I know he loves me and cares but he doesn't get it... I'm a person who needs to have conversations with her husband. I don't want to be serious I just want to sit on the couch and be talking to Me and laughing hysterically together instead of me sitting on the couch watching tv and him playing video games on the computer... He was such an ass today and was responding so rudely to seriously every single thing I said so I finally stopped trying and a few hours later it was same old mean guy and who knows why.. He says he isn't a talkative guy but get him around a guy and he is cracking up and laughing and engaging in the conversation but I don't know he last time he really engaged like that with me... But of course none of this is his fault... It's ALL mine... Everything is always my fault even when it isn't... He can never ever admit to anything he does wrong ... Does he really think he is that much more superior to me? I thought we were equals.. If only he would treat me like one
No comments:
Post a Comment