tomorrow a day away

Tomorrow is weigh in day, I'm nervous... I don't think I am at what I wanted to be... it has been one hell of a week. Today I didn't get to the gym so I feel gross about that but I plan on making up for it by doing p90x tonight. I've got this!!! right? hopefully? ughhhhhhhhh lol

One Year

It has been one year to the date that I found out I was pregnant for the first time (well... not counting Adalynn of course) In this past year I have lost 4 babies.... It really sucks... I swear everyone is pregnant and everyone is happy and I'm sitting here just miserable... I hate this for me... I just want a baby... It isn't fair. I know that right now I need to wait until Jeff is out of college and that really sucks that I now have to wait 4 years.... It just isn't fair and it hurts.. but I can't say that out loud because than I have all those stupid eyes looking at me with pity and sadness and i'm not ready for that.

attainable goals

While I was waiting for the blood suckers to take more from my veins, there was a wonderful army values video about make smart goals... and the A in the smart was attainable... I think it is completely attainable to lose 50lbs like I want to... however I know that it is too big of a goal right away.. I need to set a smaller goal over and over until I get down... soooooo I want to lose 5lbs before Thanksgiving... that's basically a pound a week... I think I can lose more than that but I would rather make a goal that I can surpass, rather than one that I struggle to make or don't achieve... soooo whatever!

I also plan on all these little goals to get to my other little goal

• lay off the wine sauce!!! (1 bottle a week and work to 1 bottle a month) 
• 1 cup of coffee every morning instead of a couple
• getting at least 10k steps a day but shoot for 15k
• eating smaller portions
• no late night snacking
• WATER!!! at least 1.5 liters a day

I'll weigh myself "officially" tomorrow morning but I've been hovering between 240-242 so Thanksgiving day I want to be between 235-237! Totally doable!!! 

If I keep this up

Christmas - 230-232

End of January - 225-227

End of February 220-222

End of March 215-217

End of April 210-212

End of May 205-207

End of June 200-202

End of July 195-197

End of August 190-192

Would I like to be smaller than that? absolutely! But I'm not greedy... hahaha!!! I want to start with this and go from there... but by my birthday realistically I can be there if I just work at it and don't throw in the towel because I don't wake up tomorrow 50lbs less hahahahaah

one week done

Jeff is working over night so we didn't get to go over our progress for the week and I don't think we will be able to until Saturday =/

but I personally killed it!!! I was the only one... but hey... one of us had to be an overachiever lol!!!

boom!

I just feel awesome!!!! gym today and being good... I mean.... I feel bad that i'm doing so awesome at working at myself and no one else is lol!!! <3 <3

emotions are stupid

Today I got in to an imaginary fight with my girlfriend... because she said something that I KNOW she didn't mean it the way she said it but it felt like that and I almost lost it on her... it was just stupid and I know i'm overly emotional but it happened!

But even then instead of reacting I just let it go and came back to it with a clear head later... I feel like my entire life is getting more and more calm and I really am like this new me... ya, I know its been a few days ... hahahaha but still... it is helping

I also started back at the gym today!!! I went almost 5 miles but Jeff had to go to work so I had to leave before I got to do that last .3 of a mile... but oh well!!! It feels really good to be back in the swing of things!!! I also started a 21 day arm workout "challenge" (with myself...) and ya... my arms are not strong lol... I might not be moving up anytime soon... because the 8 reps barely happened lol!!! But one day at a time right...

I need to lose 50lbs... that's my smallish goal... I mean... realistically my small goal is first to be able to fit in my pants but that will happen as soon as my uterus shrinks back down to normal size.. after that I want to be able to fit in my smaller pants and that will be probably 20lbs... but in the short long term... 50lbs

You win some... you lose some...

I freaking won the crap out of today!!!! I came downstairs and Adalynn was eating cereal in the living room ... she is not allowed to... but whatever she promised like 35923950 times she wouldn't spill milk... later she picks up her blanket and there is a HUGE puddle of spilt milk ALL over my carpet!!!! I WAS SO MAD!!!! I almost ended her life hahahahaha but seriously I wanted to just lose my shit all over her... and I did not... I did not yell at all... I just calmly told her that food is not allowed in the living room and she knows better and if she HAD spilt something she needed to come tell me immediately. I then sent her upstairs so that she could read so that I could clean up the mess because it required a shampooing of my carpet and I cleaned it up and just went on with my day... no screaming and no tears... it just was pleasant and I still conveyed my point and here is to hoping it all works out.

Anyway, after a wonderful day we went to a haunted house with friends and it was just a good day that could have been a stressful hard day if I had let my attitude get the best of me and I didn't... I even took some time to do myself up all pretty!!! It was just... nice!

Tick Tock

Tick's are vile! They are the worst things in the entire world!!! pumpkin patching it up today with my monkey and family and the little one got a tick RIGHT next to her eye... it was DISGUSTING..

Today I did AWESOME! I survived the pumpkin patch without yelling, a tick on her face, her wasting 4 of my blank cards because she rushed and didn't take her time, her refusing to go to bed, and her covering her face in makeup...

I did not yell one time!!!! There were some moments where it was touch or go... but overall I handled the shit out of today!!! =)

but look at how cute I look also LOL! 

Good day for me =) Tomorrow I am making something... I want to bake now that I cleaned my kitchen... I know... zucchini bread... that might go down tomorrow lol

Working at the carwash

I feel like I did okay today... I almost lost it for a second when I TOLD my child not to move because I spilled on her chair and she immediately put her leg in to it... THIS is what pisses me off... LISTEN TO ME!!!! But... I didn't yell... I just let it go... so i'm taking that as a win even though was it? i'm not sure!

I do know that I made dinner with Adalynn and Jeff and her went and played... So that in and of itself is a lot better than what we've been doing... So here is to "hopefully" turning some kind of corner...

Adalynn wants to make cookies sometime when Jeff is at work since she is off all the days in the world... so I think that that is a fun idea that we can do together... What I WANT to happen is to ACTUALLY do it with her... what I do NOT want to happen is her be interested for 5 minutes and then go back to wanting to play or do something else, leaving me with ALL the rest to finish up... THAT really burns me up... So I think as long as before we begin, I lay out my expectations, it should be okay... at least I hope so!

Day 1 of R&R (respond instead of react)

I am sick of my child thinking I am a monster and my husband acting like I am trash. They all think I CONSTANTLY react instead of respond to EVERYTHING... Do I do it more than I should? YES! But they act like its this huge extreme and I'm some where in the middle. I feel like no matter what I do, if I react one single time they will act like I haven't changed in the slightest bit... and I don't know how to stop that from happening so I react more and more because it gets me so mad that they would think that of me so it is just this never ending cycle. Jeff said that it isn't normal and should never happen and I said it happens, that it even happens to him and he went "ya but its rare that it happens" .... so it should never happen buttttt he is allowed to have moments? it makes no sense! and that just really really annoys the crap out of me...

But being annoyed just makes me want to go back to the cycle and I DO need to work on it... I know that every day I have less and less patience.

Goals for this week

Be more patient.. I know I will have moments but I hope I can at least overall be better

Spend time WITH Adalynn.... so many times we do together time with electronics or on my terms... I want to spend time with her doing what she wants to do JUST NOT MINECRAFT!!! I can't.. I love her but no!!!

Bring back family lego project!!! Once a week we take an hour or so and hand out in Addie's room and make lego's with her!

GOALS FOR NOVEMBER

2 at home date nights with Jeff... 1 of them catered to something I want to do, 1 of them catered to something Jeff would want to do

Family baking, at least 1 weekend this month I want to pick a recipe and hang out in the kitchen with all 3 of us making it together!!!

continue working on us as a family

17lbs up

It has been way to long since I have written in here... which means I haven't done fantastic... It is SOOOO hard to not eat all the bad crap especially when it is staring in front of me!!! Why is there so much crap in the world?! Bah!! I need to get back on track and just stick with it!!! I know I can do it if I really just put my feet forward one at a time!

Here is a recent picture from last week... We went on vacation to France for a week and I gained 3lbs and ate ALL the bad things!!! It was DELICIOUS and i'm in no way upset that I gained weight! In fact, I've already lost all 3 of those pounds... but I was also on steroids a few times and total I'm 17lbs up from my lowest weight! My immediate goal is to get those gone and asap!!! I just really need to stay on it! And I will... I'm writing in here again to keep me from making all the bad choices!!!

4.28.2016

Today the Mormons came to visit

My roommate and two of them came and talked to me while the other talked

To her... And I was me! I haven't been myself in a long long time... I feel so low all the time... I'm constantly fighting because of it... Sometimes I have moments where I am absolutely great but other times I'm miserable. I was talking but it was in my normal enthusiastic way that captivates an audience. My mom always said it was me being the center of attention but that isn't it. I guess part of it is but I remember how Jeff noticed me when we first started dating... I was this cool girl who captured the conversation and always had wity funny remarks.. I would charm... I've always done that but for awhile in my teens it went away and again now as an adult... When I get in that space I just ooze Kassie! I feel so run down and an empty shell of myself...I know that I need to allow myself to let go but for so long I've just been the super fat girl and it's worn down on me for years... It's like every pound I lose I gain back a small part of myself. I don't know if Jeff is going to change as I change. I think he holds so much resentment and bitterness that he will continue to just cut me down... I told him that we are going to have a technology free weekend and I don't know how he is going to handle it... I am sick of everytime I talk to my husband he just sits on his cell phone and nods or agrees when he thinks he should but I donr feel like he ever actually  listen to me... I tell him something and he immediately forgets... How am I supposed to to feel like a person when I'm treated like a dog. I know he loves me and cares but he doesn't get it... I'm a person who needs to have conversations with her husband. I don't want to be serious I just want to sit on the couch and be talking to Me and laughing hysterically together instead of me sitting on the couch watching tv and him playing video games on the computer... He was such an ass today and was responding so rudely to seriously every single thing I said so I finally stopped trying and a few hours later it was same old mean guy and who knows why.. He says he isn't a talkative guy but get him around a guy and he is cracking up and laughing and engaging in the conversation but I don't know he last time he really engaged like that with me... But of course none of this is his fault... It's ALL mine... Everything is always my fault even when it isn't... He can never ever admit to anything he does wrong ... Does he really think he is that much more superior to me? I thought we were equals.. If only he would treat me like one 

[on fire!!!]

My arm is KILLING me!!! I have 2 lidocaine patches on right now and I think tonight I'm going to put a few more on!!!

If that wasn't enough my stomach is sooooooooo painful!!! By my belly button incision it is like a swollen golf ball and below my belly button it's like a solid line of red from it being pulled on.... I bet if I was moving more it would be better but it hurts so badly to move sooooo I'm in a catch 22! 

I am also sooooo hot and freezing at the same time.... It is so difficult!!' I currently have the window open (at 30 degrees outside) with a blanket on half of me and literally going from sweating to shivering constantly!!!! Ahhhh I hate this

[new rings]

My wedding rings are flying off my fingers! It's so great and so crappy at all once because I need new ones but I don't want to buy inbetween rings and then getting them and then being too big before I even get them! Ahhhhhhh!!! But since the ones I wear right now are super cheap there isn't a reason to get them resized! Eventually I'll get new new wedding bands that my husband will help me pick out... But that isn't for a few more years! 

[bleeding my life away]

I'm pmsing like a crazy woman!!! I'm hoping I stop soon because this is ridiculous!!!! I am so hormonal to begin with because of the rapid weight loss but to add in PMSing and I'm a rapid animal LOL!! 

I am getting really sick of making my family dinner.... I mean... Jeff was home today and even volunteered to cook... Did he? Nay! He played on his computer while I did the cooking... Just another day in the life of me!

I am trying so hard not to snap at my husband for every little thing by it is so hard when he goes and pulls this crap... Yet I'm suppose to be all happy go lucky and act like it doesn't matter... But it does

[ready...]

I am sooooo ready for Monday!!! Bring on the scrambled eggs!!! That's all I have to update today is that I'm ready LOL!!

Here is a few old pictures which are 5 days difference 

{absense of weighing in}

I weighed again today of course and i'm done .6 lbs... I just need to stop weighing myself because I feel like i'm watching a pot of water to boil waiting to be under 300 lbs... just 4.1 more pounds

I can't keep doing this to myself... sooooo October 10th is my day!

[45.4]

Woohoo!!! 3 more pounds!!! It's awesome... But mannnnn I wish I was under 300! I feel so close!!! Any day now!!!

[42.6]

Only down a little over 2 lbs instead of 8! Oh how the weight slow LOL!!! But seriously I would much rather take a 2 pound loss with finally having protein rather then withering away to nothing like I've been doing!!! Also I got all my stitches out today!!! I'm so excited!!! 

[40.2]

What?! 40.2lbs down?!? I can't believe that before Jeff's birthday I'm going to be under 300lbs! Heck I don't think It will take more then a few days from now! I am so excited!!!!! What if I am under 275lbs before Jeff's birthday?! Can you imagine? Because I sure as heck can't!!!