17lbs up

It has been way to long since I have written in here... which means I haven't done fantastic... It is SOOOO hard to not eat all the bad crap especially when it is staring in front of me!!! Why is there so much crap in the world?! Bah!! I need to get back on track and just stick with it!!! I know I can do it if I really just put my feet forward one at a time!

Here is a recent picture from last week... We went on vacation to France for a week and I gained 3lbs and ate ALL the bad things!!! It was DELICIOUS and i'm in no way upset that I gained weight! In fact, I've already lost all 3 of those pounds... but I was also on steroids a few times and total I'm 17lbs up from my lowest weight! My immediate goal is to get those gone and asap!!! I just really need to stay on it! And I will... I'm writing in here again to keep me from making all the bad choices!!!

4.28.2016

Today the Mormons came to visit

My roommate and two of them came and talked to me while the other talked

To her... And I was me! I haven't been myself in a long long time... I feel so low all the time... I'm constantly fighting because of it... Sometimes I have moments where I am absolutely great but other times I'm miserable. I was talking but it was in my normal enthusiastic way that captivates an audience. My mom always said it was me being the center of attention but that isn't it. I guess part of it is but I remember how Jeff noticed me when we first started dating... I was this cool girl who captured the conversation and always had wity funny remarks.. I would charm... I've always done that but for awhile in my teens it went away and again now as an adult... When I get in that space I just ooze Kassie! I feel so run down and an empty shell of myself...I know that I need to allow myself to let go but for so long I've just been the super fat girl and it's worn down on me for years... It's like every pound I lose I gain back a small part of myself. I don't know if Jeff is going to change as I change. I think he holds so much resentment and bitterness that he will continue to just cut me down... I told him that we are going to have a technology free weekend and I don't know how he is going to handle it... I am sick of everytime I talk to my husband he just sits on his cell phone and nods or agrees when he thinks he should but I donr feel like he ever actually  listen to me... I tell him something and he immediately forgets... How am I supposed to to feel like a person when I'm treated like a dog. I know he loves me and cares but he doesn't get it... I'm a person who needs to have conversations with her husband. I don't want to be serious I just want to sit on the couch and be talking to Me and laughing hysterically together instead of me sitting on the couch watching tv and him playing video games on the computer... He was such an ass today and was responding so rudely to seriously every single thing I said so I finally stopped trying and a few hours later it was same old mean guy and who knows why.. He says he isn't a talkative guy but get him around a guy and he is cracking up and laughing and engaging in the conversation but I don't know he last time he really engaged like that with me... But of course none of this is his fault... It's ALL mine... Everything is always my fault even when it isn't... He can never ever admit to anything he does wrong ... Does he really think he is that much more superior to me? I thought we were equals.. If only he would treat me like one 

[on fire!!!]

My arm is KILLING me!!! I have 2 lidocaine patches on right now and I think tonight I'm going to put a few more on!!!

If that wasn't enough my stomach is sooooooooo painful!!! By my belly button incision it is like a swollen golf ball and below my belly button it's like a solid line of red from it being pulled on.... I bet if I was moving more it would be better but it hurts so badly to move sooooo I'm in a catch 22! 

I am also sooooo hot and freezing at the same time.... It is so difficult!!' I currently have the window open (at 30 degrees outside) with a blanket on half of me and literally going from sweating to shivering constantly!!!! Ahhhh I hate this

[new rings]

My wedding rings are flying off my fingers! It's so great and so crappy at all once because I need new ones but I don't want to buy inbetween rings and then getting them and then being too big before I even get them! Ahhhhhhh!!! But since the ones I wear right now are super cheap there isn't a reason to get them resized! Eventually I'll get new new wedding bands that my husband will help me pick out... But that isn't for a few more years! 

[bleeding my life away]

I'm pmsing like a crazy woman!!! I'm hoping I stop soon because this is ridiculous!!!! I am so hormonal to begin with because of the rapid weight loss but to add in PMSing and I'm a rapid animal LOL!! 

I am getting really sick of making my family dinner.... I mean... Jeff was home today and even volunteered to cook... Did he? Nay! He played on his computer while I did the cooking... Just another day in the life of me!

I am trying so hard not to snap at my husband for every little thing by it is so hard when he goes and pulls this crap... Yet I'm suppose to be all happy go lucky and act like it doesn't matter... But it does

[ready...]

I am sooooo ready for Monday!!! Bring on the scrambled eggs!!! That's all I have to update today is that I'm ready LOL!!

Here is a few old pictures which are 5 days difference 

{absense of weighing in}

I weighed again today of course and i'm done .6 lbs... I just need to stop weighing myself because I feel like i'm watching a pot of water to boil waiting to be under 300 lbs... just 4.1 more pounds

I can't keep doing this to myself... sooooo October 10th is my day!